On The Subject of Relationships and #40;Part 1 and #41;

On The Subject of Relationships Part 1

Initially I think we ought to determine what significance relationships have upon us. It is my belief that, without a doubt, relationships are one of the most important parts of your life.

They can bring you intense pleasure, both physically and mentally, but they can also provide you with the most indescribable pain if not handled correctly. If you handle your relationships well then they reward you by being totally fantastic.

There are two basic rules of life that apply directly to any relationship

1) Everything in life must GROW (if it does not grow then it dies)
2) Everyone must CONTRIBUTE in meaningful way (if you don’t contribute to a relationship it will die)

When people have a relationship that is working properly it provides the most fantastic, incredible, joy, passion, and fulfillment that can ever be known by a man or woman.

That said, there are some very basic questions about relationships that are probably best asked at this point

1) How do you create an extraordinary relationship
2) How do you deal with challenges in a relationship
3) How do you nurture and expand a relationship

The answer to all 3 is that first you must identify where you are right now, then determine where you want to be and finally ask yourself where is the gap?

You are either in a relationship or not – if you are not then two things become apparent

a)you say you want a relationship but it is not yet a must for you to enter into one
b)you don’t want a relationship because you associate it with pain. However, this will eventually cause you greater pain than being in a relationship because you are failing to satisfy the need to be loved. This is one of the basic needs of humanity, it is not something we want, it is something we MUST have.

Being in a relationship will mean that there are times when you are going to get hurt but, if you have an outstanding relationship you will have learned that there is a value in getting hurt. Being hurt can be a way of teaching you something, and the secret is to learn from it so that in future you are able avoid repeating the situation.

If you are in a relationship then there are 3 possible places that you can be

a) you want more from it – this is a natural situation, you want to grow and develop
b) you want an end to it, to be out of it because you have associated pain to being in the relationship
OR you associate pain with leaving the relationship
c) you may be in a place where the relationship is static

In relationships we respond to what we think is happening “she said so and so, so that means……..” OR “he did this and so it must mean………..” because we bring our past experiences into play and associate the now event with our reference point from the past.

We often refuse to allow the other people to begin with a “clean slate” and do not realise that it is very important to remember that “this is not that”

It is worth pausing here to ask yourself a few questions -

When you want out of a relationship are you making the other person into someone else? Are you responding to them as if they were a family member or your boss?

Are you adding a meaning to something that is not correct, are you magnifying the situation?

Almost all stress comes from making something bigger than it actually is.

If you want to change your life then try asking yourself a different question when you are about to become upset. Ask yourself “what else could this mean?”

When you are upset it is rarely as a result of what someone said or did, you are upset because of the meaning you have associated with their words or actions.

So make yourself come up with as many positive alternative meanings as you have negative ones.
If you start piling negative meanings onto different actions you will ultimately drive the other person into a place where they no longer want to be with you – they will no longer want to “relate” to you.

When you build these negatives you will push the other person away and yet you are supposed to be their friend, their boss, their partner, their mentor, their father etc, Don’t ever make the assumption that their actions have been deliberate and specifically designed to cause you harm. It is rarely about you. They are probably trying to sort their own problems out and they are not thinking about you, maybe you just “got in the way”

Always look for empowering alternatives as to why they are behaving as they are. This will bring you back into balance. Even if you are right recognise that you have the ability to be level headed and then if you realise that the other person is actually in a vulnerable position you will no longer attack.

Relationships are about unity – would you rather be right or be in love?

Do you care about the other person? You have to learn to become a Master of Meanings – even if they are wrong you should learn to be elegant about it, after all, you are a team.

If you injure the relationship you injure yourself

People do not respond positively to negative reinforcement but they consistently respond to pleasureable reinforcement.

If you are in a static relationship (point c that I mentioned earlier) then this is possibly the worst place to be. You don’t want to leave but you don’t want to develop further in the situation. If we go back to something I said at the beginning of this discussion, to exist in this life you have to grow and it is the same with a relationship if it does not grow it will wither away.

Think about you ideal relationship – what would it be like, what would you say, what would you laugh about, what would you share how would you surprise one another.

As Tony Robbins commented

“Life IS relationships and the quality of your life is directly related to the relationships you create”.

In the next article we will begin to look at what is the purpose of a relationship, what drives it forward.

So until the next time, live a life of power and passion and remember

Don’t predict the future – CREATE IT!

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